1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
