I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
