y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
