Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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