dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i already hear my dad disowning me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
