ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
