There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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