you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Congratulations! We have a period
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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