That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
