thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Everything about him screamed your future.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
