I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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