Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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