he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
