nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
