**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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