I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
