theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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