You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
