You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
