Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
