Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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