My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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