we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
