It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
