She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
