Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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