Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
