This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
