I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I want to be your penis for a week.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
