maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
