Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
