ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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