yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
