my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
