Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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