I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
