omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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