i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
