the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
