YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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