maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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