There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
