Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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