"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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