Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
