so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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