Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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