i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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