i permit you to call me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
