Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
