I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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