I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
